This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
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i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
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I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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