your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.