mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.