I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
