dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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