We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
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He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
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He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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