yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
