If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
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Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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