I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH