At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt