Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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