One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
