On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
