finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.