'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?