My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?