i just wanna soil my oats bro
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks