twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
