a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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