Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.