I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
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Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
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I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.