Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
