Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
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please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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