sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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