I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem