I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us