I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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