I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
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My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
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Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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