everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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