you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
