i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!