I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there