FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.