I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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