You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
