Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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