the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
