You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
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