I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
