I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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