Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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