Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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