I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
