good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
