With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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