I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
