i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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