i don't like sucking hair
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
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Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
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I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.