Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Dating After Heartbreak
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.