You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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