I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I wear drunk well.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
