So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
