I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Randomize
