so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
