Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
