i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
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I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
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Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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