I think my fart just growled at me.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
